ACIM Notebook

by Hugh Prather
published in The Holy Encounter

I once heard someone ask Bill Thetford, “How do you forgive?” He answered with his usual wry humor, “You just call the S.O.B. out and forgive him.”

It took several years before I realized forgiveness actually is this simple. Anyone we want to forgive, we forgive instantly. Anyone we are conflicted about forgiving, we never quite forgive.

The root meaning of forgive is “To let go. To give back. To cease to harbor.” Thus forgiveness is as easy as opening our hand and dropping what we are clutching. In fact, it’s so easy that little children do it instinctively. “You’re not going to invite Joie to your birthday party, are you?” asks the parent of a four-year-old. “Don’t you remember what Joie did to you?” But the child answers, “Joie is fun to play with.”

Unlike adults, children value the present more than the past. They would rather be happy than right. They instinctively understand that it’s more fun to decide from now than from then. It’s more fun to let go of a grievance than to hold on to it. Little children get it: Judgment is a very unpleasant state of mind that hurts us more than the other person.

But so often we adults don’t get it. We have forgotten that forgiveness is not being nice to someone else; it’s being nice to our own mind. We no longer recognize that in order to prove that other people are wrong, we must remain living proof of their guilt. We must remain damaged. Yet the person we judge is often unaware of our thoughts, which poison our relationships, weaken our health and, if not eliminated, can embitter our entire life.

The reason we have so much trouble forgiving is that we are not honest with ourselves. We haven’t yet confronted our mind with the question, “What is so desirable about judging this person?” Because if we did, we would have to take responsibility for how we choose to use our mind. In short, we would have to stop being a victim. Instead, we wring our hands and say, “I’ve tried so hard to forgive but I just can’t do it.” Or we ask God to forgive for us. Or perhaps the worst, we tell ourselves that we have forgiven, when, actually, everyone around us can see clearly that we haven’t.

That being said, most of us nevertheless start in a state of conflict and can benefit from following a process that gradually eliminates the conflict. In this respect, I have found that the following guidelines can be helpful.

· Forgiveness is an act of the heart, not an outward gesture. Forgiving people doesn’t mean we have to spend more time with them. It doesn’t mean that we refuse to fire someone, that we always lend money when asked, or that we never take legal action against an individual. It means that our primary focus is our own state of mind.

· Forgiveness occurs only in the present. We don’t have to forgive for tomorrow, only for this instant. When the judgmental thoughts come back, we don’t throw up our arms and say, “This is impossible.” We simply once again let go of the line of thought––just interrupt it––and return, as best we can, to mental stillness and wholeness.

· Forgiveness is a gift to our mind, not to the other person. Thus we work to become fully aware of how a grievance affects us emotionally and physically and how it impacts our other relationships. We sensitize ourselves to the cues, such as the sense that the mind is tightening, that we can’t remain happy, that our thoughts are stirred up, that we don’t laugh as easily, and possibly even that our breathing is shallow. To stay aware of a judgmental state of mind, we have to be consistently honest with ourselves.

· Some things are more difficult to forgive than others. The trick is to commit to the process. We do the best we can each time we get caught up in attack thoughts, and we set no time limit on our future efforts. It will take as long as it takes, and we resolve not to stop until we can think of this person in peace.

When something is particularly hard to forgive, it can be helpful to begin with a meditation, a prayer, or a guided fantasy. For example,

* Picture the person standing before you and recall everything they did to you.

* Next, remember incidents in which someone, anyone, was kind or patient or simply happy. Or remember funny things your animals have done. Notice the new sense of light that begins coming into your mind.

* Out of this light, create an imaginary costume of light. Maybe a hat, a cloak, and shoes of light.

* Mentally dress the person you have not forgiven in what you have designed.

* Finally, picture One who represents the divine standing behind this person and watch as this beloved figure walks into them.

Repeat this exercise only once or twice, then put in place a plan of what you are going to do the next time attack thoughts come to mind. Something simple such as holding the person in light, or just repeating certain words of truth, or a quick breathing exercise. (Exhale as your say, “All released.” Inhale as you say, “All is peace.”)

Once you have decided on your short response, commit to doing this for as long as need be. And remind yourself often that the cost of judging is much too high, while the benefits of forgiving will bless you for a lifetime.