ACIM Notebook

by Hugh Prather
published in The Holy Encounter

In my opinion, the marriage ceremony symbolizes a preexistent State, because Oneness is recognized, not invented. This State cannot be destroyed, but it can be forgotten. The ceremony itself is one of many ancient symbols. It celebrates the happy, eternal fact of the unity of all life and the exclusion of none. In marrying, those who are one acknowledge their Oneness.

The spiritual reality of marriage does not have to be worked at. Correctly seen, marriage need only continue unresisted. But our perception of what marriage symbolizes does have to be protected, nurtured, and tended. In a sense God gives us a beautiful garden, but we have a penchant for sowing weeds. The weeds -– the issues, the destructive patterns, the large and small betrayals –– can make the garden seem overgrown and ugly.

Our “work” in marriage is to give continuing welcome to all the seemingly scattered evidences of Oneness. It is to keep our experience of the garden whole and good. We can distort our perception of its beauty, but it remains pristine. Likewise, we do not create or destroy relationships; they are given to us. We can never truly separate ourselves from another child of God.

Relationships in all their forms are perhaps our most accessible means of experiencing the Divine. God is loved and honored through the children of God. The times we set aside for prayer and meditation would appear to be our best opportunities to commune with the Divine, but if these are too closely associated with physical isolation or are mere exercises in superiority, we fail to experience our deep connection with others. Few, however, can miss seeing that the function of a marriage is to lay aside isolation and inequality and to join as one.

As the light of Truth begins to dawn in thought, we may suddenly have the mystical experience of seeing another as our self. A moment may come when we recognize that we are literally them. This makes no sense on a perceptual level, but it makes perfect sense on the level of Love. Now there is no boundary to our prayers, for we see that we have nothing to lose from another’s gain.

However, the level on which only egos encounter can be depressing and fearful. As this is seen more honestly, a marriage may appear to become increasingly dark. To those consciously attempting to wake in Love, this melting of the candy shell that covers some forms of destructiveness can be very distressing and may be misinterpreted as personal failure.

There are two steps in seeing the light within our partner. What is dark must be recognized as without light or value, and light must be seen as harmless and desirable. No compromise is possible, for to continue accommodating darkness is to want another experience besides love. Couples who make any problem more important that their friendship instantly lose sight of the light of oneness.

If confrontation is seen as a value, love will appear to be a highly unstable component of the relationship. In your communications, emphasize no thought within you except your desire to increase the friendship between you. Ask yourself, “Will these words (this act, my attitude, this opinion) promote oneness or will it promote separation?”

Only through connection can we remain open to healing, and unless we are open, we will try to hurt our partner to protect what we believe must remain secret. Therefore, hold no part of you separate. Cherish no private assessments. Be transparent and harmless. And if this remains your goal, the two of you can join hands and walk past any difficulty.

Openness is a function of the heart, not of the mouth. Saying just anything to our partner or confessing what we know will wound or devastate the one we love is not loyalty or devotion and is certainly not kind. If we are ever to know love without limits, there can be no range to our giving. To want something from another is to utterly misunderstand their role in our happiness. Another person is our opportunity to extend what we are.

Other bodies are not our means of proving we are incomplete, burdened, or in need. That is why attempts to negotiate sometimes set in place a deterrent to free communication and peaceful relating. Negotiating can be of temporary help and is preferable to friction, but if just one partner forgives completely and replaces their own anxiety and criticisms with goodwill, they become the governing factor in the relationship.

Being able to talk about things and to formulate a mutual approach to difficulties is clearly desirable. But it must be kept in mind that putting pressure on one’s partner is the primary cause of relationship failure.

It is not necessary to pressure our spouse to talk about what we judge to be wrong with the marriage. It is not necessary to urge our spouse to take responsibility for their part or to confess their mistakes. It is not necessary to force compromises or even to formulate rigid plans for dealing with a recurring problem. Nothing is really necessary except that we remind ourselves alone that we are not in this relationship by accident and that all that occurs can be seen in love.

A kind vision is always a possibility. It will occur when one person pauses long enough to recall their heartfelt gratitude for the crucial role their partner plays in their spiritual growth, whether their partner intends this effect or not.

Because all minds are in communication, one happy, forgiving, restful thought will of itself extend throughout all areas of a marriage. Nothing exists that can actually stand in the way of this expansion. To accept full responsibility for everything and guilt for nothing is true humility and the sure road to a truly spiritual marriage.